Soccer Riots

Endless Loop

I've been thinking a lot about soccer riots of late, as have we all. For many years they have been a mystery to me. That soccer could excite enough passion to even have fans show up I found inexplicable, to think that soccer excites enough passion for people to riot and kill I found incomprehensible. It seemed to the American in me about as understandable as a chess club riot. That soccer, one of the most boring sports to watch ever invented, cannot be the draw was clear to me- but what was the draw? What is the explanation? Was it the sight of men urinating into rolled up newspapers because apparently there are no bathrooms in Europe? Was it the beer, or wine, or whatever it is they drink at these events? Was it the fashion show put on by the fans wearing clothes that would be out of style even in Canada? Well I decided it was all that and more. Like many mysteries it took some unraveling, and I realized that a chain of events has led soccer to where it is today....

It all started, as the story goes, with Aztecs or Accountants or somebody kicking around the heads of their slain enemies. This should have been a tip-off. While that was fun while it lasted, it became clear to the Aztec marketing people that if the sport were to survive some changes would have to be implemented. Rules, for instance. And while famous for math, or was that the Mayans, they still decided on a game that would require no more scoring in a day than could be counted on one hand. Shorts and cleats and standardized goals were added next, and not being wasteful the Azzies made the nets from the intestines of their now headless enemies. Plus the goals could be played like a harp after the game, so the arts community was able to get behind it. With no cable TV or country music the game faced little competition and grew daily in popularity. The men, needing any excuse to get out of the house or to keep from building any more ancient ruins, or was that the Mayans again, came to the games in droves. Eventually it was discovered that you could keep the ball from decomposing or cracking open your own skull when "heading", by using balls made from rubber, again invented by the Aztecs or somebody like them. Now the game took a quantum leap forward, and was now only rivaled by human sacrifice and sheep-shearing as the spectator sports du joir. No one can pinpoint the exact time when soccer surpassed these other popular events, but it was probably around the time when rational, sensitive people realized that there was a little too much cruelty already in the world, and sheep shearing was banned. Now there was no stopping the plague-like spread of the sport, as Old World travelers coming to the New World, like burglars on crack, carried off everything they could lay their hands on, valuable or not.

Initially watching soccer was given as an option for penance by the Catholic Church, and since there was a lot of sinning back then the crowds grew to huge numbers, especially in France. As the Catholic Church lost power to the godless heathen existentialists, the crowds no longer came for penance. Old habits die hard, though, and the people kept coming anyway. At this point some fan, most historians think it was Bruce Springsteen, had had enough. After watching for about 6 hours waiting for something to happen alcohol-use reared its ugly head. Bruce had now run out of beer and money and was becoming sober, and soccer, like baseball, is not a sport intended to be viewed sober. Already angered by shoddy treatment from critics and producers, and agitated by the beer vendor's refusal to believe that "he was good for it", Bruce grabbed another, smaller fan and began using him like a club to "persuade" the vendor to part with some product. Quick as lighting the violence spread as it is wont to do, and all hell broke loose. Latent childhood anger at being subjected to caning and watching Punch and Judy awakened the British fans from their soccer-induced stupor and for the first time ever they began having fun at a soccer game. Players, realizing there was actual action going on somewhere, leapt into the stands to join in the fray. Hundreds of fans were killed and maimed, more than could be in a week's time in D.C., and all in one place for easy viewing. Well who could resist entertainment like that? Soccer was the perfect background tableau as well as catalyst for this riotous behavior. Fans, angered over gun control or whatever, would watch the soccer for as long as they could stand it, and then the violence-deprived Europeans would begin to beat one another senseless. Pretenses were kept up, with a wink and a nod, that it was passion over the game's outcome, but anyone who has ever watched an entire soccer game knows better than that.

And thus the mystery of soccer popularity finally was clarified for me, and now I understand why in a peace-loving country like the U.S. soccer is doomed to failure. Still, while I'd rather have my appendix removed by cats than watch soccer, I understand and appreciate the need for soccer and will defend with rocks and broken bottles the right of fans to enjoy it. I take up the cry with my Liverpool, Madrid, and Sao Paulo brethren, "If soccer is outlawed, only outlaws will play soccer".